Beneath the Surface
by silver-sunn101
Summary: In which Sirius teaches Remus to swim and Remus comes to terms with his fear of the future. RLSB Preslash


He supposed that he should be feeling invincible right now.

He should be feeling like any other eighteen-year-old boy—pumped and ready to face the world, up to any challenge and, if none are present, willing to create a few for himself. He should be feeling confident, sure of himself, prepared to make his name one of legends and folklore. Well, for whoever was keeping track, he didn't particularly feel that way. Remus felt small and insignificant against the cool glare of the world outside Hogwarts. He wasn't ready, he wouldn't do good, he wouldn't become anything remarkable despite what everyone told him, and he most certainly wasn't feeling like an 'extraordinarily gifted individual.' He felt meek, like a wave on the surface of the ocean, always moving but never moving anywhere, just the same as the other waves around him, at any moment to be pulled form the glory of the surface and be pushed back under—forgotten forever by a world that never knew him to begin with.

Remus was a cynic. He had already dealt with life's harshest blows and knew that more were to come. He kept his friends on the ground when their dreams and far-fetched beliefs were so unrealistic and empty that their heads threatened to float off with the sheer weight of that nothingness. People who dreamed were always the ones who were remembered. They were the idols, the ones quoted and copied by other dreamers and those cynics who hoped for more but could never get past their own dark logic concerning the world.

James would be quoted. He was a dreamer, always hoping, always dreaming, always _knowing_ that there is something more for him that he hasn't seen yet. Sirius would live out that quote. He was a dreamer who lived out things, rather than preach them or study them. He didn't believe in something that he couldn't achieve himself. Peter would copy that quote down and study it. If he wasn't prepared, he wouldn't do something. He had to know the ups and downs of it all, and liked to think that there was perfection out there somewhere for him to have. Remus would sit back and tell them all how unrealistic they were being. It wasn't the grandest of systems, mind you, but it served their purposes well. They were four completely different young men, Remus mused, held together by some common love, some belief or other grain of their being that they found only in each other. He'd yet to figure it out yet, but perhaps the connection had yet to present itself.

The four of them were uncharacteristically silent, relishing in one of their last carefree moments together. Peter was on his back staring up at the clouds. Sirius was on a low branch in their tree staring down at the lake, his thigh pressed against James' arm with casual carelessness. James was at the base of the tree with Remus, the two staring at nothing as they lost themselves in thought. Remus was also on his back, his head near Peter's, his legs by James, staring up at the leaves of their tree.

Remus, being the resident cynic, didn't see the point in risky behavior. As if life wasn't short enough before, some people had to go and shorten their lives by doing stupid things. One wrong move and _whoosh_ another wave swallowed under, replaced by an identical wave. Sirius coughed and moved, pulling out his matches and pack of cigarettes as if to prove Remus' point. Sirius struck up the match and lit his death stick, inhaling deeply, the end glowing a fierce red. Remus could smell the smoke and kindly refrained from ruining the moment by opening his mouth.

Peter and Sirius smoked constantly, James had recently quit when Lily made it known that cigarettes were not, in fact, sexy, despite what Sirius said, and Remus had never smoked. He hated the things—the look, the smell, the pack Sirius always carried in his back pocket, even the strike of a match irritated him. His father had always smoked, large bulky cigars, none of Sirius and Peter's "fags," and Remus could remember coming home from St. Mungo's after his bite, his new senses fresh, and walking into a smoke-filled home. The smell had given him such a headache that he had become physically ill and promptly burst into confused tears. He'd lost his taste for any tobacco that one could roll and light on fire that day. As if once again reading Remus' mind, Sirius dropped his half-finished cigarette in the grass next to James' foot. James put it out without a word.

They sat like that for the rest of the day while everyone else hurried about, packing and saying their early goodbyes to the fine institution of Hogwarts. It wasn't until the clouds were glowing pink and orange and the majority of the day's heat had faded that one of them finally, inevitable as Remus knew it was, broke the silence.

"I think dinner's almost over," James said, almost hesitantly, as if enjoying the day more than he would say aloud.

Peter sighed, "Yeah… We could stay longer and make a kitchen run later," he suggested. Remus could tell he wasn't the only one who had appreciated their lazy day of doing nothing. But, like the rise and fall of the tides, time still ticks on behind the scenes and all things, be they good or bad, must come to their ends.

"No, might as well head in now," James mumbled, brushing off his trousers as he stood. Sirius lit another cigarette and made himself more comfortable with the tree.

"I'm staying," Remus said without looking at them, still staring up at the patches of sky he could see between the tree branches.

"Aye, me too," Sirius said softly. Remus could envision that death stick poking out from the corner of his mouth that caused his words to slur.

"Just me and Wormtail, then? Alright, c'mon," he said to Peter. They left Sirius and Remus back in their so desired silence.

Remus shifted, putting his hand behind his head, gaining a better view of the darkening sky. He remembered the only reason why he had been able to stand nights at Hogwarts. Contrary to his home in an artificially lit muggle town, Hogwarts had very few lights. The lack of such gave the stars a better chance to shine, and they did so splendidly, presenting pictures of ancient pagan gods in the heavens. Remus loved the stars and hardly noticed the moon when they were around. He felt small against he endless sky above him and wondered when he would be drawn back beneath the surface, swallowed by larger waves and left in the cold nothingness of the salty water.

Sirius hopped off of his branch and sat next to Remus, his leg against Remus' side in that same casual manner that he had with James, drawing Remus' attention to him. Sirius would certainly make something of himself outside of school. He had the energy and attitude to keep himself alive and smiling through anything. Sirius could be famous if he liked. He could be a tsunami where Remus was a small wave, barely making a ripple on the surface.

"What're you thinking about, Moony?" Sirius asked, flicking the ash from the end of his cigarette. Remus looked at him as he took a deep drag on it, eyes closed in bliss as he held the smoke in, and a relaxed expression on his face as the white smoke tumbled from his lips and headed drowsily toward the tree tops.

"The beach," Remus said evenly.

Sirius smiled, "You should have come with us last summer. James, Peter and me jumped the waves that broke on the beach. Y'know, the really big ones? Sounds right childish I'm sure, but we had fun."

"I haven't been since I was younger, but I would always run from the waves," Remus remarked softly. Their last two statements ought to mean something when compared to what Remus' new philosophy on waves and life, but he just couldn't grasp how they related. Sirius, James and Peter would jump the waves that broke on the beach, but Remus would run form them. He knew that it should tell him something about himself, but what? The logic of it seemed perfectly reasonable, but just outside of his reach, tantalizing with the promise of the solution to his puzzle. "And I prefer to swim _under _the water, really," Remus added half-heartedly, more as a way of keeping Sirius occupied than anything. Somehow the pieces fit. His friends went over the waves, and Remus, under them. It seemed that he was ultimately doomed to be nothing in his life while others prospered before his eyes.

Sirius chuckled, drawing deeply on the cigarette he held between his thumb and index finger. "Whichever suits you, mate," he said, smiling roughishly. "We should all go this summer anyhow," Sirius said with a hint of carelessness in his voice that Remus didn't quite believe. He could tell that Sirius was looking forward to the trip perhaps as much as he was looking forward to moving into his own place after graduation.

Sirius wasn't aware that they would all be truly on their own after school, especially Sirius, with no parents to back them up. Money should be beginning to have real value to them. Remus already knew how far he could make money stretch if he needed to and he looked forward to seeing how his friends dealt with the expenses of real life. He didn't see the responsibility he would have once they left next week. The sturdy rock of Hogwarts would no longer be their shelter. Remus thought that maybe, somewhere beneath all the charm and bravado, Sirius realized this and feared it. So, he hid behind his jokes and pranks, clinging to trivial childhood cares, leaving other people to worry for him.

"Why didn't you come last year?" Sirius asked suddenly.

"My parents wanted me to spend more time with them last summer since I'm moving out this summer and they won't see me as often," Remus said, sounding apologetic despite the fact that the trip to the beach was nearly a year ago and he had no reason to still worry about letting his friends down by not showing up.

He dismissed Remus' remark with a strong hand, leaving behind a flurry of ashes that floated into the air like dust in the morning sunlight, and the bitter scent of tobacco smoke that made Remus' eyes water unpleasantly. "Oh, well, there's no need to worry your pretty little head about it now. I was just wondering," he paused to take another drag from his death stick. "We have years ahead of us!"Sirius exclaimed, spreading his arms outward as if to encompass the world. "We have all the time in the world to do whatever we please."

"Yes, between working to pay rent, Auror training and keeping the place in living condition you'll have loads of time to time waves at the beach," Remus responded dryly. Sirius pinched his thigh, the only place within reach, and gave Remus a stern look.

"None of that kind of talk, young man. You will skive off of work and participate in all of my brilliant schemes and you'll enjoy it!"

Remus smiled a little, a mere upturning of the corners of his lips, unnoticeable to the untrained eye. He rolled onto his side, his head cradled in his hand, his elbow digging into the short grass. "Is that so?" He asked with mild curiosity, merely as a response to Sirius' enthusiasm than as an answer.

Sirius grinned, but made no response, his mouth preoccupied with the last of his cigarette. He ground out the smouldering filter of his cigarette on one of the knobby tree roots that stuck up from the grass, leaving a circle of ashy on the wood. Sirius readjusted himself, lying on his stomach next to Remus and resting his head on his crossed arms. That comfortable silence descended again, leaving the two of them to their own thoughts, the pressure of their arms pressed together a simple reminder that neither of them were alone. In the silence, Remus could properly think. He could properly worry and angst over the future. But part of him saw no reason for it–worrying doesn't affect the future at all–so he tucked it away in his mind, hidden from himself until the time ahead of him no longer seemed so foreboding. Trivial thoughts, random questions and snippets of daydreams, filled his mind and he allowed himself to be carried away by them, their meaninglessness sustaining him pleasantly.

Remus and Sirius had been out for far past curfew, but Remus couldn't find it in himself to worry. The moon was a sliver past new, hardly showing, so they weren't visible from the castle windows. Remus glanced over at Sirius, who had been eerily silent for much longer than Remus knew he was capable of being. He was facing away from Remus, towards the ominous trees of the Forbidden Forest that lay dark and still in the distance. Sirius had probably fallen asleep, leaving Remus to either wake him or carry him up to Gryffindor Tower. And since waking Sirius was similar to embarking on a kamikaze mission, and Remus had no muscles to speak of, it looked as if they were to remain outside for a while.

Remus shifted slightly, getting comfortable again, and relaxed into the hard ground beneath him. Being out there was nice–it was quiet, peaceful and, most of all, he wasn't alone. Usually he had to flee from his friends to find this sort of quiet–unassuming, unquestioning, minus the peculiar glances and teasing comments.

"We should do something, Moony," Sirius mumbled suddenly, turning over to face Remus in the near-darkness. "Lock everyone in the castle. Steal Dumbledore. Levitate everyone's clothing into Hogsmeade. Swim naked. Something!" He looked up at Remus, something akin to an eager puppy dog shining in his eyes. "I know. I'll kidnap you and take you off to exotic lands where we will frolic our days away in the lazy heat!"

"Ah, but what would dear James say? For surely he will be jealous of you kidnaping someone other than himself," Remus said wisely, appreciating the playful banter.

"He knows that I love you more. In public he and I may be all over each other, but in secret my heart pines for you, my dear Moony!" And then quickly, as if coming to a sudden realization, Sirius added, "Swimming. Sounds good. C'mon!" He bounced up and took off towards the lake, never looking back to see if Remus was following him, seeming confident that Remus wouldn't leave him to his own means. Remus supposed that it was Sirius' pure-blooded upbringing that gave him such lazy arrogance. He checked his thoughts–it was no time to be sitting around thinking. Some of life's best lessons are learnt from _living_ life.

He walked down to the lake, where Sirius had already stripped down to his drawers and was now rummaging around in a patch of nearby bushes. "What are you doing?" Remus called as loud as he dared, the always-guilty part of his mind on high alert, as he undressed.

"I'm hiding my smokes," Sirius replied, standing and fighting with a leaf that had gotten caught in his hair. "That way, if our clothes get stolen somehow, at least the important things will be safe." Remus shook his head; Sirius was hopeless. "Well," Sirius started, watching with a pained expression as Remus carefully folded his clothes, "What are we waiting for?"

He headed to the lake's edge and walked soundlessly into the water. When the water reached his waist, Sirius jumped up slightly and dove underwater in a graceful arch. Remus, who had only waded in to his knees, shivered. One would think that the sun would have warmed the water, but apparently nothing intheir damncountry knew the meaning of heat.

It was when Sirius resurfaced, drenched, sputtering and pushing long, wet hair out of his face, and began paddling his way to Remus, that Remus remembered the real reason why he hadn't gone to the beach last summer.

He couldn't swim.

"Er, Sirius?" He stared casually, wincing as the cold water reached the tops of his thighs. Sirius stopped in front of Remus, grinning broadly and dripping lake water. He looked expectantly at Remus, who swallowed hard and glanced away. "I can't swim," he mumbled.

Sirius was quiet and, when Remus glanced up, was looking at him with a calculating gaze that Remus didn't quite trust. After a long moment a smile broke out on Sirius' face and he said, "We'll have to fix that, won't we?"

"You're going to teach me to swim." Remus stated dryly, crossing his arms across his chest. When Sirius nodded eagerly, Remus eyed him warily.

"I promise, no jokes. I want to help you learn," he said with a ton of sincerity in his voice that Remus, after seven years of friendship, was still unused to hearing. Sirius' sincerity was born from a combination of his stubbornness and his fierce loyalty, as well as his rare desire to be kind and helpful as a rebellion against his upbringing.

Remus paused, considering it, and made his decision. He would let Sirius teach him how to swim, how to stay above the surface. If anyone could, it would be Sirius.

"Alright, teach me how to swim."

Sirius began by dunking Remus underwater, stating it would help Remus adjust to the temperature faster. Remus suspected that Sirius had simply needed to get the mischievous urge out of his system before beginning, but Remus begrudgingly admitted to himself that the water didn't seem quite as chilly anymore.

They waded out far enough that Remus could still touch the murky bottom easily, and Sirius had Remus practice floating. Remus tried to float by himself, but the fear of sinking caused him to do just that; his body slowly floating under the surface until he panicked and dropped his legs, subsiding only when he felt the muddy bottom between his toes.

"You're going to have to relax, Moony," Sirius said soothingly, no irritation present in his voice despite how many times Remus had failed, and for that Remus was thankful. "Here, try it again, I'll hold you up," he offered, placing his hands under Remus' back and thighs. "Okay, now relax. No tense muscles, no worries, just _relax_. Close your eyes–no it's fine–" Sirius said, noticing Remus' apprehension, "–I won't do anything. You've got to trust me, I won't let you sink. Now, close your eyes and relax. Envision yourself floating, have faith in it... I'm going to move my hands slowly, but they'll still be under you, I promise. Just trust the water, it will hold you."

Remus felt the contact of Sirius' hands on his skin slowly leave, and tried to relax. He felt the water run over his chest as he slowly sank, and the panic twisted in his stomach. Sirius' hands were back in an instant.

"Relax," he reprimanded sternly. Remus sighed and tried again, letting the tension and worry leave his body. He opened his eyes and focused on the many stars above him, feeling comfort from the dark silhouette that was Sirius in the corner of his vision. He laid there on the water, finally letting himself relax, for an unmeasurable amount of time, when Sirius said with a smile evident in his voice, "Congratulations, Moony, you did it!"

Sirius had him practice a few more times before he moved to simple swimming techniques; different strokes and how to kick his legs efficiently, breathing while swimming and how to tread water. He had Remus practice everything in the shallow water and, when satisfied, moved him into the deeper water. Remus had to admit that Sirius was a good teacher. Though Remus also made a good student. He found himself able to learn anything if he set his mind to it and put a little work into it.

Hours passed, though how long exactly escaped Remus. Time had no real meaning out there, where the lake, the stars and the dancing trees were their only company and everything seemed so still. It was as if they had reached a rift in time, where the earth stopped rotating and this moment, this pure summer night, would last forever.

When Remus was confident enough in himself, he swam out as far as he dared, silently challenging Sirius to follow him. Sirius swam faster than him, overtaking his lead, and led them to the middle of the lake, where he went onto his back, trusting the water to make him float. Remus, taking the hint, followed. The last ripples from their movement faded away into nothing and the lake laid still around them. Their only company was the millions of stars above and the trees along the edges of the lake. Nothing moved, no noise was made. It truly seemed that time had frozen. The light summer wind trickled over them, sprinkling the water's surface with delicate ripples and rustling the leaves in the trees.

Sirius sighed happily. Something tickled Remus' cheek, Sirius' wet hair spreading out around him like a dark halo, and Remus was mildly surprised to find that he didn't mind having Sirius' hair against his face. "These are the moments we'll remember," he said quietly, just loud enough to be heard over the leaves.

"You think so?" Remus asked lightly, simply to keep Sirius talking. He wasn't like this often and Remus wanted it to last.

"Aye, I do. I'll look back and say, 'Do you remember that night I taught you to swim?' and you'll say, 'Of course I do. You were serious, helpful, slightly philosophical, and quite frankly it frightened me.'"

Remus laughed, knowing that Sirius had it head-on. They fell silent again, but only for a moment, as Sirius lets his legs fall and challenges Remus to a race for the shore. Remus accepted, though they both knew that Sirius would win, and he did, his feet hitting the bottom before Remus'. As he slowly waded out of the water, Remus caught up. And, feeling reckless and wild and completely out of character, he pounced on Sirius and dunked his head under the water. Sirius came up sputtering and quickly grabbed Remus around his waist and threw them both into deeper water. Remus wanted to laugh as he falls backwards, but remembered in time to hold his breath.

They wrestled under the water, a tangle of limbs that are half-man and half-boy, punctuated by gasping breaths and careless laugher. Sirius threw Remus into deeper water and ran as fast as he ccould for the shore. Remus was faster on his feet though, and shouted out some comment to Sirius, who turned and caught Remus as he attacked, knocking them both onto the rocky shore. He was half on top of Sirius, with one of Sirius' bony arms trapped beneath him, the pair of them laughing for all the world to hear. They stumbled up to the grass, still chuckling, and collapsed onto the ground.

Slowly the laughter subsided, leaving the same feeling that they had while floating on the lake in its wake. It occurs to Remus that they've been lounging about a lot today. Summer seems to do that to people. The days are filled with hot sunshine that exhausts you and leaves you with no will to do anything, and the nights are so cool and peaceful that you want nothing more than to lie outside and soak it in, feeling wise and philosophical and immortal.

"Remus?" Sirius murmured sometime later.

"Hmm?"

"Are you..." Sirius hesitated, but seeing that he had already committed himself, continued. "Are you ready to leave school?"

Remus sighed, hesitating himself, but answered honestly. "No, I'm not."

"Me either... I'm going to miss all of this. The pranks, the detentions, classes and holidays. Hell, I'll even miss McGonagall and the sodding Slytherins. It just won't be the same out there."

"You'll find something new, something better. Something that'll make you look back on all of this as some silly teenage fantasy." Remus said, half convincing himself. "You won't take long to adjust."

Sirius is silent, as if absorbing everything Remus said and filing it away for days when he'll truly need it. "What if I don't do well out there?" He asked after a moment. He didn't sound worried any longer–merely curious as to what Remus had to say.

"You'll do great, Sirius. You have the ambition and character that will get you anywhere you want to be," he said with honest conviction, knowing that it's true and hoping that Sirius realizes it. He thought that he heard Sirius mumble a 'thank you,' but he is unsure and doesn't reply. Though Sirius has fallen quiet and Remus knows that he has convinced him. He says nothing further, and Remus feels a sudden need to confess.

"I... I don't think that I'll do well after school," he said.

"What on earth are you talking about?" Sirius sounded genuinely amazed at what he was hearing, and rolled onto his side to see Remus better.

"I don't have what it takes to survive out there. I don't have James' determination or Peter's faith, and I certainly don't have your ambition. I'm going to be pulled under the surface," he added, mainly to himself, though Sirius seems to understand what he means.

"If any of us are going to make it, it'll be you. You're the bravest person I know Remus, and you may not see it, but you have all the traits of James, Pete and I, and more."

Remus shook his head, feeling helpless, thinking that Sirius just _wasn't _getting it. "I'm not brave! I hide behind you three and use your strengths as my own. Out there I won't have you guys like I do here and _I won't make it_!" He sat up abruptly in some odd sense of urgency. He felt his throat constrict and his eyes burn, and pushed the palms of his hands into his eyes. "I don't... Fuck, Sirius, I'm afraid! I'm so bloody afraid." Remus whispered fiercely.

Sirius sighed and sat up as well, wrapping a bare arm around Remus' shoulders and pulling him close. Remus, desperate for the comfort, nearly aching from the need, sunk into the embrace gratefully. He closed his eyes tightly, fighting off tears. "It's okay to be afraid, I am too. But you won't be alone out there; you'll still have us. If you ever feel like you're going under the surface, you call one of us. Use our strength as yours, like we use your courage. You'll always have us–the Marauders will still together until we're old and grey, you'll see."

Sirius' words filled Remus up like a balloon, drowning out the doubts and filling him with hope. When Sirius spoke so strongly Remuscouldn't help but believe him. Though some part of him, that tiny, nagging part, remained doubtful. He pulled away slightly and looked at Sirius, straining to see his face in the dark.

"How can you be so sure?"

Sirius smiled slightly and rested his forehead against Remus', their noses aligned, and looked intently at him. "You're naturally intelligent and witty and frustratingly responsible." Remus smiled a little at the last remark, but remained quiet. "You're polite, tactful, charming and people can't help but love you," Sirius whispered, tucking some of Remus' shaggy hair behind his ear. "Trust me, Remus, you'll do fabulously. The world will love you. But, like you did out there when you were trying to float, you just have to trust me. I won't let you down."

Remus couldn't see how, when compared to Sirius, anyone would consider him charming. Somehow, between compliments and honest confessions, Sirius had managed to completely capture Remus' trust and faith. Remus nuzzled Sirius' cheek, resting his forehead against Sirius' cheekbone in an odd moment of affection. "Thank you," he said quietly, feeling the muscles in Sirius' face move as he smiled.

"Anytime, Moony," Sirius replied, running his hand through Remus' hair. A hand was on his hip, a thumb softly rubbing his skin. Remus couldn't remember how they became so tangled, but he liked it. The odd intimacy was comforting and made Remus feel at peace. Sirius sighed and moved, leaving a firm kiss on Remus' forehead and one last tight, reassuring squeeze, before he stood up and offered his hand.

They dressed silently, lost in their own thoughts. Remus waited as Sirius fished his cigarettes from beneath the bushes, and together they walked back to the castle. His trousers were becoming wet from the water that had soaked into his drawers and his eyes were watering from that one last cigarette that Sirius was trying to get in before they went inside, but he felt good. As they snuck up to Gryffindor Tower Sirius wrapped his arm around Remus and squeezed his shoulder with a warm hand. Remus put his arm around Sirius' waist and saw Sirius smile out of the corner of his eye. He realized then that all he had to do was trust Sirius to help him and maybe, just maybe, he could stay above the surface like everyone else.

* * *

A/n–All inspired by that wave philosophy Remus had; it was a random thought of mine and I knew it had to be made into a fanfic. This can be taken as a friendship fic or slash, and was written as the latter.

**Please review! Constructive criticism is preferred above anything else**


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